I have a daughter, Hailey, who's 23 years old. She'll be 24 in January. Hailey lived with me until she was about 12 and then wanted to move with her Dad and step-monster to Norfolk, VA. Prior to her moving I knew that Hailey wasn't very "girlie" and had my thoughts, as her mother, that she was "gay". It wasn't until years later, while she was visiting over one summer, that we had an argument and she screamed "and just so you'll know, I'm gay". Well, not a big deal. I loved her no matter what choice she made. Although I didn't agree with that choice, she was still my daughter. Eventually she stayed a couple of weeks over that summer and returned to Virginia with her Dad and step-monster. Hailey and I never remained "close" but chatted now and again as mother and daughters do in these situations.
Just after Hailey graduated high school she wanted to make the move from Virginia to California. I'm not sure of all the reasons but she wanted to make that move and I was thrilled to have her come home. She has two younger sisters and they had missed that relationship for so many years. So...I flew to Virginia Beach and drove her back to California. We had a nice drive although long and quite chilly.
Hailey moved in with me and her two sisters and a few weeks later got a job as a stocker at Wal-Mart. She seemed to be enjoying the move, although missing a few friends back East, but overall enjoyed life. She wasn't 21 yet, so the "gay" nightclub scene wasn't happening for her. I knew she was looking for love and just thought that someday she eventually find a girlfriend or at least someone when she turned 21 and was able to enjoy the bar scene. She eventually met a couple of girls, one or two who might have been bi-sexual and had a couple of short relationships. She even ventured out and moved in with a co-worker at Wal-Mart. Then she met Joshua (Joshy to us all) who too was "gay". They became fast friends and before long they considered themselves BEST friends. They were together all the time. Had they both not been "gay" I would have expected the decision they made next. They decided to get married. They decided they loved each other so much that they would choose to have a family together, yet still continue with the gay lifestyle. Although I still wasn't in agreement with their choice, I loved Joshy. I couldn't have asked for her to spend her life and have children with someone more likeable. He was a good boy. So, they got married that December. Things were going well until Hailey began seeing a girl "Danyell" that she had met online through myspace or some other outlet. Things began getting rocky from the beginning. Hailey forgot about the friendship with Josh as well as the agreements they made as a married couple. Keep in mind, Joshy had relationships (not sexual) with people too. Both had agreed that they would never forget the other no matter what relationships they had. NOT! Hailey quickly became obsessed with Danyell and the next thing you know, she's moved out in the middle of the day when Joshy was at work. He was devastated.
When I called Hailey to ask what had happened she painted Josh to be this horrible, obsessed, "not like we knew him" person. She tells me that I don't know how he really is. Well, possibly, but there was never a mention of any trouble until Danyell came into the picture. She didn't want to speak to him on any terms and was very hateful to him.
It was about that time that I noticed that Danyell had a "control" over Hailey. Hailey wouldn't come around her family or her previous friends. She was still angry at Josh for whatever reason and wouldn't have anything to do with him. Slowly she decided to bring Danyell around the family. Immediately, I, my husband and Hailey's two sisters saw that Danyell was in "control" of the relationship. She would tell Hailey to get this or that and Hailey would simply be at her side doing whatever Danyell wanted of her. Mind you, Danyell has 3 children and was recently divorced. Standing back and watching the relationship grow over the past couple of years reminded me of an abusive (not physical) relationship between a man and a woman. Hailey could no longer talk to friends she had known for years or even spend time with her sisters. Hailey quickly became a parent to Danyell's 3 children. Before too long Hailey was no longer coming around any of us. She was spending most of her time with Danyell and parenting 3 children who Danyell more and more allowed her to. Mind you, I attempted to welcome the girl into the family, but there's just something about her that didn't set well, not only with me, but my entire family and a host of Hailey's friends.
In late 2006, Hailey and Danyell moved in together. Hailey began taking on responsibilites of parenting the children more and more. Taking them to and from school while Danyell stayed at home and helping with homework while Danyell didn't assist in that either. Before long, Danyell had quit her job and was staying home full-time. Hailey now quit Wal-Mart and took a job which paid more money. Needless to say that was the wrong move. The job wasn't a good one and she eventually took a position as my mothers (her grandmother) caregiver. At first things went well. A time later, Hailey's car trouble began and she had to rely on Danyell as transportation. It eventually got to the point that she didn't want Hailey to take the car to and from work because she would have to walk the few blocks to pick the kids up from school. Hailey didn't have a good job, Danyell didn't have one at all and Hailey was visibly stressed. The only income that Danyell now had was food stamps and $800 per month in child support. Hailey had informed me that Danyell would stay home with the kids as child care would be too expensive. My thought was that I worked taking care of three children and paid day care without public assistance. If I could do it, so could she. Not to mention Hailey's job wasn't to provide for this woman and her kids. Or at least that was my thought.
My mother became very ill in Feb-March of this year and needed constant care. Hailey would have to make it to work every day no matter what. She was still getting crap if she took Danyell's car or Danyell had to bring her. If Danyell had to bring her she stayed the entire day with Hailey along with her children. My mother was 79 years old and quite irritated that kids were running around her house, but she loved Hailey and need the help, also knowing that Hailey needed this job. In April 2007 my mother was placed under hospice care. April 10th she layed down and she never woke up again. She stayed that way for 7 days, all this time Hailey and I stayed with my mother around the clock. Danyell and her children also stayed until it was time for everyone to go to bed. Our family had no privacy, no family time to be with my mother and Hailey's grandmother when we should have. On the day my mother passed I requested that Danyell and the kids please respect our families privacy and leave for a while. That request made her furious. In a way, she had no control of Hailey while she was gone. Or so it felt. Her children were even calling my mother Grandma by then. My mother hated that. Although it wasn't the kids fault there mother should have known.
My mother passed away on April 17th. After the funeral Hailey became even more distant. Calls were minimal. It was at that time that I returned to church on a regular basis. I asked Hailey and Danyell and the kids to join but the answer was always no. I had forgotten that Danyell's parents were devout Mormons and by then Hailey was very involved in the church and was considering baptism. Some of you are thinking "Mormons and Gays" no way. Well, apparently they have both decided that they are going to give the "gay" lifestyle up. I even went to Hailey's 2 1/2 hour baptism in August. The strangest event I've ever been too. When you're a christian and see the difference in the two religions it made me as a mother wonder what Hailey had gotten involved in. Over time Hailey has become so distant that phone calls are weeks apart and when there is a phone call it's very strained. I have told Hailey that I believe the Mormon church is a cult and I'm concerned for her. I've read so much about the religion and I've seen the changes in my daughter toward her family and I'm concerned. Those of you reading this can either understand or not. I'm a mother and I see firsthand the changes and odd behavior, you don't. Her myspace blogs now state that her hero is that Smith guy from the Mormon church and she doesn't believe in the bible as the first word but rather the book of Mormon.
Danyell answered her cell phone a few weeks back and decided to tell me that Hailey doesn't need negativity in her life and I'm negative. It's to the point now that Hailey won't speak to me at all. I'm devastated. Although she has made a religious change in her life, this so-called religion has taken my daughter from her entire family. Hailey thinks only of the church and this girl and her children. She won't even see her new niece that was born.
Hailey didn't even call me on my birthday. I took the chance and e-mailed her that I was sorry if I had hurt her and she (or Danyell) responded "do you even know what you're sorry for?" and do you know how much you hurt me? My response to her was "if you can't take sorry for what it means, then forget it". She responded to me "forget it then". I still believe that Hailey can't think for herself from the day she met this girl and even more so when she became involved with the Mormon church. Our family is torn and I as her mother have no idea what to do. I do know that Danyell will never be welcomed back into my home, no matter what. The holidays are coming up and I want Hailey to be a part of them.
So, if anyone wants to respond that would be great.
